StatelyWayneManor

See the pattern...

...and avoid it.   If there's anything I have learned from life/love/therapy it is this technique.  Unfortunately, I have never mastered it...rather it is more like I get infinitesimally closer to it, each time I try.

I have been living with this pattern as long as I can remember---well, at least since I was about 15.  I have hopes and expectations for a time, an event, an encounter, with someone, and then as the time arrives I am disappointed.  The more it happens, the more I tell myself to have fewer expectations.  However, the alternative, which always tempts me, is to try too hard to force the expectations/hopes to be met.  The danger in this is that the "trying hard" makes the unmet expectations more painful.  And within me, anger, resentment, embarrassment and humiliation come from "trying too hard".

Inevitably, this syndrome occurs around specific people and specific events.  When it plays itself out, I become convinced the person in question is deliberately torturing me, knowing that I am going crazy with disappointment.  In reality, it seems pretty clear it is NOT all about me.  In fact, most interpersonal issues tend to be at least 50 % about the other person (I don't have any empirical data for this, but logically, it makes sense to me).

One of the manifestations of this pattern is the whole idea of saying something with the expectation of eliciting a response.  I know enough to know that is manipulative and arguably co-dependent behavior.  In fact, sometimes when I act, I tell myself in advance i don't care if there is no response, or if the response is unequal.   That may even be true for 24 hours or so....but eventually, it starts to hurt.  And my mind starts to play tricks on me...the next step is to write another note, make another call...inevitably, my closest friends are saying "don't do it", and just as inevitably I do it, with the idea that surely if I try harder, I will get a response.  And then, when there is no response, or a lukewarm response, the pain is even worse. 

The bottom line, as I see it, is that if you are going to reach out to someone in love (whether a passionate, romantic love, or a warm and friendly love), you should be confident enough to not NEED the response to be equal.   If you can't do that, you should hold back a bit from reaching out so much. 

I guess it's kind of a corollary to the very Christian concept of unconditional love:  If you are going to put yourself WAY out there in love, it should be unconditional.  Otherwise, if you are depending on a response, your run the risk of harming yourself to the point where your ability to love in the future is compromised by bitterness.

Bitter is something I want to avoid.  But as much as I like the idea of protecting myself from pain....it is JUST NOT ME to stop reaching out to people I care about.  So, I need to get better at unconditional love.  I need to find the reward, the peace, from from the loving, and not from the hope of being loved.  Being loved is an extra blessing which comes along at times in life.  But it should NOT be the reason for loving.

But then again....

A new day, a new mood.  Yesterday's melancholy musings seem a little dramatic now that I read them back.  The reality is I am lucky as hell to have all 3 of these people still in my life.   The fact that they're not with me every day any more is something I have had to get used to.  But I refuse to let that keep me from enjoying the rare times when we do get a chance to be together.

So, bring on the weekend, bring on Lazy Bear, bring on the ex, bring on the ex's partner, bring on all the other buddies (and new buddies) and lets have a great time.  Life is WAY TOO SHORT to be melancholy on vacation...that's what WORK is for, right??? 

XXX Redux

They say things tend to come in threes....both good things and bad things.   Like my exes...good things and bad things.  Actually, they're all good in their own special ways...they just sometimes bring out the bad in me.

Presently, I am preoccupied with all three of them.  Here's how:

Ex no. 1 is where I want to be...in Paris, with the girls.  I have the least sadness regarding her, and yet, as I grow older, I find myself REALLY appreciating what we had, what we have, and the amazing family we helped create.  I am still envious of her, though....she really has, from my perspective, a fabulous life.. a life I couldn't have given her, at least materially.  I have never begrudged her that, yet I feel a little sheepish at being the one who is always being cut "slack" financially...God, someday I would LOVE to be in the position of not needing "slack".  On the other hand, I am incredibly blessed for all the "slack" I have received.  Still, she is in Europe, and I am jealous!  So there!

Ex no. 3 is in Europe also....but he has always been there. This was a time he was supposed to be visiting if we were still together.  I find myself thinking of him just as much as I did before...not obsessively, but incredibly fondly.  I still can't imagine anyone making me feel the way he does...I don't think I have ever spent much time lying in bed squeezing the pillow and imagining someone else there with me...until now.  I don't cry, because the feeling is too vivid and too sweet, but I do find myself wondering if I EVER will feel that kind of magic for someone else.  When I think about dating now,  I self-sabotage because "the feeling" isn't  as strong and as certain as  when I met him....I know that's unfair to myself and others, but I can't seem to shake the comparison. 

Which brings us to Ex no. 2.  He is coming back to town this weekend, and I am nervous as hell.  It will be exactly a year since I last saw him, since he moved away from our home.  During that time, I have been haunted by the feeling that he doesn't miss me in the least...that it will be "no big deal" for him to see me again.  Don't get me wrong, I have NO regret that we are no longer partners, and I don't deceive myself into thinking we had any kind of perfect relationship.  But we were GREAT buddies, great sidekicks, great compadres....and I just wish he missed it as much as I do. 
Unfortunately, I am terrible at being nonchalant, at being cool, at having a poker face, at not caring.  I WANT to embrace him and his partner as family, the way my ex-wife and her husband are family.  I WANT the kids to see him and for there to be happy memories of good times instead of awkward silence and avoidance.  We were together for six years and they were with him every other weekend and all holidays for 5 years.  Whatever has happened since, I just want there to be SOME amount of warmth, some acknowledgment that there was something really special that we shared, that was worthwhile. 

My friends tend to think I am setting myself up for a fall with too many expectations.  At this point though, they are not expectations....just hopes.  I am not one to give up hope easily, though.  I guess the point is not to get too caught up in one visit, and to wonder too much what it will be like----for surely I will psych myself out.  Best just to be me and let him be him, and above all else, enjoy all the other beautiful friends who will be around.  The last thing I want to do is let the situation spoil what would otherwise be my favorite time of the year...the annual Lazy Bear week in Guerneville.  The whole point is to be relaxed and enjoy myself...and seeing as how this year has been characterized mostly by stress and loneliness, the fact that so many dear friends will be in town makes it imperative that I make the best of it, and not spoil my own good time!  Frankly, I think turning off (or at least turning down) my overactive mind would be a good idea...just this once!!

What does it mean?

I am trying to figure out why I have been so neglectful of this space for several weeks.  I can't think of a good reason, other than laziness...or maybe a little lack of focus.  I am fighting the urge, however, to feel guilty about it.  I mean the whole point was to do something positive for myself, so feeling guilty when I don't write seems a little counter-productive, no?

So what HAVE I been up to?  Well, here's the last month, in list form:

1.  Dieting (lost 10 pounds, now have hit a bit of a plateau, but generally have been doing well with it)

2.  Coughing (a three week bout with bronchitis which only today resulted in a Dr. visit and some antibiotics...they better work because I am SO tired of this shit!)

3.  Sweltering (the Fog seems to have left forever from SF and I miss it so desperately....just once I want get into bed and not wonder how I will ever fall asleep when I'm sweating...God, imagine if I lived somewhere REALLY hot...actually over the weekend I was staying with the kids in Livermore where Saturday there was a High of 111 and a low of 79...to me that is the definition of HELL!!)

4.  Envying  (mostly envying my friends who have been traveling all over the freaking world while I am stuck at home due to a combination of new job and financial constraints...and now Karen and the girls are in Paris for a week...I would give anything to be there with them!  I am so addicted to being in Europe that I am starting to wonder how I can possibly live so far away.  Which reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day:    
Well...I guess I have been cheating on the USA for a few years and now I just can't quit!!  Next year, fo sho!)
5.  Watching baseball
(for some reason, the last few weeks, while coughing, sweltering, home-bound,  broke, and not a little lonely,  I have found solace in a childhood friend, baseball.  After years of gradually devoting less and less time to sports as I focused on exploring every aspect of gay life I could, I  seem to have come full circle and rediscovered an old friend/hobby in baseball.  The best part of this is that it gives me something to talk to Mom about.  In her three years as a widow, she has found the baseball season to be her annual six-month companion...the rest of the year, she just endures.  Paying more attention to the game helps me feel more connected to her, which for now, feels like a good thing.)

So....in a year that has seen me learn to live without a job, without a partner, and without much to do socially, I have found solace in an old hobby, my family, and shockingly, myself.  Now that I think of it that way, maybe its not such a bad year after all......

We get it....we finally get it!

The World Cup, that is.  All month long I had the feeling there was a LOT more interest in the World Cup this year, but had no real way to quantify it.  I just knew a lot more people were talking about it at work, on the streets, in bars, everywhere.  Well, Sunday, my suspicions were confirmed, at least here in SF.

A half block from my home, in Dolores Park, an estimated 8-10,000 fans gathered to watch the Match on a big screen.  There were Italian flags, French flags, and a lot of neutral fans as well (even a German flag, which was booed by both sides!)  Here are some pics(click to enlarge):

It was a great time for everyone, even if the screen was a bit small.  In fact, we were in the back for the first half, and I had to walk Jake home at halftime, so he could actually see the rest of the match.

Elsewhere in the city, there were other big "scenes".  Here are some shots from the French Quarter in Belden Alley:



And here are the triumphant scenes from North Beach, San Francisco's traditional Italian neighborhood:



I was proud to see my city be a true city of the "World".  I'm sure it was that way in many other cities in the US...well at least on the coasts!  I'm still heartbroken I couldn't be there in person, but this was a nice way to end a great month.  Come to think of it,  its not too early to start planning for South Africa in 2010!

"By all means...

...move at a glacial pace.  You know how that thrills me."

Do you know how hard it will be for me NOT to say that at the office now?  Unfortunately, I am NOT Miranda Priestly, and would probably get flattened if I tried that line at work, but it is really SO tempting. 

I don't know why I got so much enjoyment out of "The Devil Wears Prada". On second thought, of course I do.   It has two of the best qualities any film could have:  1)  A boatload of memorable bitchy quotes for use in any number of gay situations and 2) Meryl Streep.

Think "Romy and Michelle" with  Streep playing  Christy Masters!

Think "Superstar" with Streep playing Evian! 

Think "Mean Girls" with Streep playing Regina!

Granted, "Prada" is slightly more high-brow than these camp classics, but I think it  appeals to the same  dark side of me!  I loved it...Go see it!

The Rest of The Story...

...was so predictably lame.  On the next day we were shown a 20 minute video which showed Wanda, our defendant, Ann, her accomplice and "Dasani" a 3 year old girl accompanying them wandering around San Francisco's Market Street Old Navy.  (Yes...Dasani WAS named after the bottled water, in case you wondered, much like the infamous "Evian" from Molly Shannon's "Superstar").

The two adult women "caught on tape" were slowly roaming around Old Navy, artfully concealing two large bags under  a couple pairs of pants on hangers on the left arm of Wanda, while each of them picked clothes off the racks, wadded them in balls and stuffed them in Wanda's bags.  Each time, however, they 'cleverly' hid between and behind displays to transfer the goods.  After Wanda had accumulated 21 items, worth $535 in her bags, she tossed the pants on hangers onto a random display and walked right past the cashiers out of the store.....

...where she was apprehended by 4 security guards and taken downstairs.  Apparently Ann was a known, but never caught, shoplifter, who, by her mere presence, was enough to trigger hidden camera surveillance from the moment she was identified.  By the way, when shopping at Old Navy on Market Street...rest assured there are MANY cameras.

Downstairs Wanda signed a statement saying she shoplifted from Old Navy because "her friend said it would be easy".  In court, however, her attorney argued that she had actually been returning all these items and was shopping for clothes to exchange.  She neither produced receipts, nor testified in her own defense.  Friend Ann was no help either, as she denied being able to see clothes being inserted into the bags on the video.

When the case finally went to the jury, we all stared at each other for a few minutes, selected a foreperson, and started to thoughtfully deliberate...After about 15 minutes, Bob, a young white urban professional who wore a tie to court every day, inquired why we were spending so much time....I mean, "it is possible we all might agree already."  After a re-reading of the elements of the crime, we took a vote and within 25 minutes we returned a guilty verdict. 

3 Days of time spent by 12 jurors and 2 alternates....many I'm sure thought it was a waste of their time...I thought it was kinda fun, but  there was undeniably no effort made by this woman to defend herself against accusations of a crime she most definitely committed and  confessed to (other than by showing up).

Fortunately, we didn't spend two days deliberating what we all knew, and we were out of there by Wednesday afternoon.  All in all it was good for me, reminding me that most attorneys are very average in their courtroom skills, and that most cases, civil and criminal SHOULD be resolved before trial. 

When I returned to work, I couldn't help feeling guilty, as if real hard working Americans should try harder to AVOID serving on a jury.  Since there's a good chance it will never happen again, however, I won't feel too bad...its a pretty easy way to get paid for 3 days work!