No...not porn....and NOT the inexplicably-snubbed-by-Oscar Vin Diesel classic...
I am talking about the three people who occupy FAR too much of my thoughts, as far as i am concerned...my 3 X's.
X no. 1 is the girl I married, the one who laughs at all my jokes still. The one who got me, and still "gets" me. The one who gave me the 3 most amazing kids in the world. The one who was perfect for me, but for this small "gay thing" that got in the way. The one who is never dramatic, has endless supplies of "slack" for me, but still makes me feel like I am a pretty cool guy who (sort of) has it together. Thinking of her is not really so bad, except it reminds me of how much of a freaking pain in the ass life has been since we've been apart.
X no. 2, in hindsight, was all wrong for me. Too young, not emotional enough, not serious enough, not communicative enough, not "into me" enough,...and yet he was the ultimate security blanket for me. Great fun, great company, great travel buddy, relaxed household companion, perfect compliment as a party host, and great home decorator/house cleaner. I KNOW we were not right for one another. I KNOW we deserved more from a partner than we gave each other. I KNOW we are each in a better place now, and yet, I just miss him so damn much and can't get over the feeling that he doesn't miss me at all.
X no. 3 showed me what magic and passion were all about. The relationship was hard work (MUCH harder than the other two), but the rewards were so spectacular. I was dazzled the instant I met him, was dumbfounded someone as gorgeous as him could want someone like me and then went on to share some of the most intensely beautiful moments of my life with him. The fact that we could not be together seems so damn unfair to me. Even though we both made each other crazy at times, I will always think if we had a chance to be together 24/7, the big things would become little things and the little things would just be things we laughed about.
Unfortunately now, I am left with 3 X's, each of which makes me weepy without even knowing it. I don't regret a single moment, but what i struggle with now is the fact that I DON'T WANT ANY MORE X'S. I'm exhausted by the amount of time I spend being sad for things that were and things that never could be. It makes me not want to venture into the the world of romance again.
Is there a way to be sure someone you date/like/love/commit to/marry won't become an X??? If not, I may just stick with the three I have and be happy with the friends and family with which I have been blessed.
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